Editor’s note: Dan Margherita is executive vice president of NCO TeleResearch, a Philadelphia research company.

Earlier this year, as part of a national omnibus, Tele-Research, a Philadelphia research firm, included a series of questions prompted by the popularity of television’s Seinfeld, addressing how the show’s current ratings might be leveraged against future spin-offs (outside of syndication). What follows is a tongue-in-cheek presentation of the results.

[The scene opens with Jerry and George sitting across from each other in a booth at the coffee shop. Jerry is reading a copy of Quirk’s Marketing Research Review that someone has left behind.]

JERRY: Hey! Look at this! They did a poll about our show, and asked who is the funniest character and who is the most popular character and all that.

GEORGE: I don’t know much about doing a poll. . .

JERRY: You don’t know much about climbing a pole, my friend!

GEORGE: Very funny. Who do they talk to in these polls, anyway? They never call me to do a poll!

JERRY: Says here they talked with 667 people nationally, of whom . . . wow! . . . 56 percent watch Seinfeld at least sometimes! Who do you think is the most popular character?

GEORGE: Me?

JERRY: Oh, you are pushing your luck, little man! No, it’s Kramer! It says that 56 percent of the people say he is their favorite.

GEORGE: Kramer? What about the rest of us?

JERRY: Well, we’re pretty much all together. I got 18 percent, Elaine got 13 percent and you got 12 percent.

GEORGE: [Outraged] Twelve percent? I only got 12 percent? So they like me the least? They . . . wait a minute . . . that only adds up to 99 percent. Who got the other 1 percent? Newman?

JERRY: No, I doubt that. I think they round these numbers off. Just calm down. Then they asked people how funny they thought each of us is.

GEORGE: AHA! Now we’re getting somewhere! Who was on top this time?

JERRY: Better finish chewing first.

GEORGE: Why?

JERRY: It’s the K-Man. Eighty percent think he’s "extremely" or "very" funny.

GEORGE: [Sputtering, with tuna salad flying] Eighty percent? Where are the rest of us this time?

JERRY: Better wipe your chin first. Well, 56 percent think I’m funny and . . . get this! More people, in fact 51 percent, think you’re funny compared to only 43 percent who think that Elaine is funny.

GEORGE: I’ll bet the rest haven’t seen her dance. Does everybody feel this way? What about men versus women, younger people, and all that stuff that they break these polls into?

JERRY: Good question. Maybe you know more about this polling stuff than you think, although I highly doubt it. Anyway, when it comes to Kramer, pretty much everybody feels that way . . . men, women, older and younger, richer and poorer . . .

GEORGE: Wait! It sounds like we’re getting married here. So if there was a spin-off show, Kramer . . . that goofball . . . would be the logical choice? Unbelievable!

[KRAMER enters the coffee shop and joins them.]

JERRY: We’re just reading about this poll that they did . . .

GEORGE: [interrupting and starting to shout] And it says that you’re the most favorite, funniest character and the rest of us may as well just go off somewhere and die!

KRAMER: [calmly] No, no, George. My subscription to Quirk’s came this morning and I read the article already. What they’re really trying to say is that we’re a team . . . an ensemble . . . and that all of us have an almost equal impact on the show’s ratings.

GEORGE: Almost?

KRAMER: Well, Elaine was just a little bit behind the rest of us.

GEORGE: I guess people have seen her dance.

KRAMER: Well, maybe, but among frequent viewers, my impact on the show . . . mine, Cosmo Kramer’s! . . . is just the same as yours and Elaine’s!

JERRY: So your huge popularity doesn’t necessarily translate into you having the largest impact on the ratings?

KRAMER: That’s why this regression analysis stuff is so valuable. Each of us represents importance weights in the regression equation. You guys really ought to read up on this.

GEORGE: Since when do you know about regression weights?

KRAMER: I’ve had a lot of time to read since I’ve been on strike.

GEORGE: Of course. I thought the only reading material in your apartment opened up into a coffee table.

JERRY: Don’t pay any attention to him. What you’re saying is that, assuming that a spin-off show starring you would be based upon your popularity, it wouldn’t essentially change your character. So the question is, would the show be basically all you, or would it have an ensemble cast like this one? If it’s mainly you, the show could be very successful.

GEORGE: Yeah, but that might be taking a chance, right? If a show is based too much on one character, it loses the synergy of a full cast; plus, Kramer’s, uh, eccentricity might not make him a good main character.

JERRY: What’s that in your glass? Synergy? Aren’t you the one who thought that’s what you get from drinking Ovaltine?

GEORGE: I’m only looking out for myself here. The way I see it, if we all have an equal effect on ratings, and there’s a strong ensemble cast, then a show starring my character would be just as successful. After all, Jerry, united we stand, you know what I mean?

JERRY: And if we’re talking about frequent viewers, this would even apply to Elaine. Amazing!

KRAMER: Until they saw her dance.

[ELAINE comes in, and joins the other three.]

ELAINE: Hey guys, what’s up? What’re you reading?

JERRY: Oh, just a poll about the show. It says you have to be careful how you look at our popularity and all.

ELAINE: Polls. I’m so tired of all these polls. "Who would you vote for?" "What hospital would you rather die in?" Yadda, yadda, yadda. Anyway, how’d I do?

GEORGE: Like he said, you have to be careful how you look at it.

ELAINE: What’s that supposed to mean?

GEORGE: Well, if they did a spin-off show and built it around, say, Kramer there, it’s possible that it would be more successful at first but, in the long run, a show starring me might be equally successful! How do you like that?

ELAINE: Get OUT! What about me?

JERRY: Maybe you’d better read the article first.

ELAINE: It’s bad news, isn’t it? That’s why you keep wanting me to read it first, right? It mentions my dancing, doesn’t it?

JERRY: No, it’s not that bad, really. The good news is that you’re very much a part of the team. In fact, it says that more women than men think you’re funny.

ELAINE: I don’t understand this. I’ll bet that if it wasn’t for this show, nobody would watch TV on Thursday night at all.

JERRY: Well, actually . . .

KRAMER: Better let me handle this one, Jerry. You’ll screw it up. Elaine, there’s a very low correlation between watching Seinfeld and the general frequency of television viewing. If the correlation were negative, it would be bad for NBC because it would imply that people watch TV just for us and a few other select shows.

GEORGE: So the audience would be lost forever when we go off the air?

ELAINE: Told ya!

KRAMER: But that’s not the case here. There’s almost a zero, actually a small positive, correlation so it’s really good news for the peacock in that a good replacement show could still hold frequent TV viewers.

ELAINE: Where in the world did you learn all of this?

KRAMER: Hey, I’m Kramer!