Editor’s note: Sharon Seidler is senior vice president of C&R Research, Chicago, and a qualitative researcher in C&R Research’s qualitative division, InVision.
Today, quality of life has become almost a cliché; we speak about wanting it, but reality sets in and “quality” shifts to “quantity” of life and time. As is written in The Tao of Pooh, “One cannot save time; one can only spend it wisely.”
Women tend to have special issues in this regard. We have never been better educated, which comes with high expectations, both self-imposed and communicated by others. And so, many of us marry, have children, own homes, and work in jobs that our fathers would have been proud to have. It’s all very heady and potentially satisfying. Except what we’ve done is take on a full-time job on top of already having the full-time job of raising children/running a home.
We’re told to “stop and smell the roses,” and so we put that on our list and, when we pass a flower, we slow down sufficiently to take a quick sniff, and then check it off our to-do list.
For my own part, I never planned to achieve “superwoman” status. Thirty years ago, I anticipated that I would get married, have children and quit work until the children were able to fend for themselves (in truth, that doesn’t happen until they become parents or move a minimum of 25 miles away, but that’s another tale).
But something happened on the way to becoming a soccer mom. When I was pregnant with my first child, my then-boss made a “radical” proposal: “How about working two days a week doing qualitative research?” Back then, it was nearly an oxymoron to have a part-time career.
Believing that working two days a week wouldn’t get me reported to the Department of Child Welfare, I accepted. Over these 30 years, my work commitment has stretched to mega-full-time and I went on to have three more children. I tell my children that they can look forward to rich therapeutic sessions with their shrinks as they complain how their mother missed their baseball game, school play, parents’ night, science fair, etc. In truth, however, they seem to have survived the “abuse.” And I have gained perspective and knowledge that I pass along to other young women tantalized and also dismayed by the possibility of “wanting it all.”
Balance is elusive and illusive. Just when you think you’ve got it, things go out of whack. Every Sunday, I would pore over the calendar and micro-manage every household chore, carpool and play-date. And every Monday, complaints and snafus would erupt. Though I don’t believe that life follows a how-to seminar, here are some suggestions for career moms that have worked for me.
1. Marry the right person, and stay married.
Actually, a tax attorney gave me that advice, saying that it is the best route to financial security. If this doesn’t happen the first time, you might want to try again. For me, having a full partner has made it possible to have children and a career. (For some women, not having the wrong person makes it possible.) No household job needs to have a gender attached to it. Both of you bring home the bacon, so both can fry it up.
No one ever asks a man how he is able to combine a career with having children.
2. Make technology work for you.
Become a specialist and proponent of online focus groups or online bulletin board techniques. Focus on the pluses of assembling a group from disparate geographies, while you stay in town.
New mothers who go back to work and want to continue to breast-feed should do it - even if your job involves travel. Wear dark, loose clothes. Pack a breast pump (they even travel well these days). Your baby will be very happy to see you when you return.
3. Embrace the phenomenon of the blurring of home/office.
Have a computer at home with full access to your work files. The distinction between home and office has become more blurred than the distinction between a supermarket and a drug store.
Some people resent a lack of distinction between home and business. They like to come home and know they’re home, and not at the office. This sounds nice, but it’s unrealistic and counterproductive. If you have an extra hour to do work at home, doing it can free you to walk your child to school in the morning or go to his band concert.
I know the counterargument: work is elastic. You’ll end up simply putting in more hours and not enhancing the quality of your home life. Only you know if you can make this home/office blurring work for you.
4. When you spend time with your children, be sure to spend some one-on-one time with each one.
Don’t always take them out as a group, especially on the weekends. Time spent with one child is worth much more than time spent with all of them together. It’s less efficient, but more effective and satisfying.
5. When you’re on the road, stay in touch.
I used to spend telephone time helping my children with homework. Daddy also helped, but I think my kids thought it was pretty cool to get a call from mom. E-mail, of course, is a terrific mode of communication. Take pictures of cities you travel to; send them back via computer or just share them when you get home. If your child has a cell phone, get a family plan that allows free family calls.
6. Take your child to work...and take your work to your child.
Qualitative research typically involves a lot of travel. When each of my children was old enough, I took him/her on a trip with me. A couple of times, I arranged to have a baby-sitter take my child on a child-friendly excursion (museum, exhibit, etc.) during the day while I worked. And when you have downtime, you and your child can tour the city, share dinner, and take a plane ride home. My children fondly recall these special mini-getaways. And, it’s worth pulling a child out of school for a day or two. Not sure how to find a babysitter? Ask the field service to recommend someone they know well who is trustworthy and wants to earn some extra money.
Similarly, talk to your children about your work and what it means to you, to them, and the whole family. Talk to them about something of substance from a project you’re working on (of course, don’t divulge client confidences - you never know who they’re repeating it to on the playground). Get your children’s input - what would they do, is this a good idea, how would they change it?
Tell them what you like about your work. Tell them you know it’s hard for them not to see you at all the school functions, and that you’re proud of their independence and accomplishments. Finally, tell them that because you’re working, the family will be able to take a nice vacation.
7. Be proactive about tightening a schedule to reduce nights away from home.
Today, it’s common to work with women who have young children. I love the camaraderie of working moms, so be direct and say “I need to be back home, so could we start a little earlier and work a longer day so we can take an earlier flight back?” Don’t put a plan together until you’ve checked the flight schedule.
8. Carve out your own job description and become indispensable.
I’m not advocating that you tell your boss that you need to come in at 10 and leave at 3. At least, not from the get-go. Rather, identify what you’re really good at, or could become good at, and slowly begin to implement it. If you see a need in the company or a new role for yourself, set goals and attempt to sell this new role. As you achieve success, you will be in a much better bargaining position to convince the company to take a pragmatic approach. If you can accomplish these worthy goals while maintaining an idiosyncratic schedule, you might break the 9 to 5 barrier.
9. Recognize that you are working for a better life and lifestyle.
If you are working so hard or long that it backfires and is actually impairing the quality of your life, your work isn’t accomplishing its goal and you need to make a change.
Recognize that any change you make doesn’t need to be permanent. It is unrealistic to believe that one will have just one career. Multiple careers, changes of careers, and career pauses are becoming de rigueur.
It’s o.k. to stop for a while; you’re not quitting, just stopping. You should not confuse your career with your life. You’ll know when it’s right to answer the career call again.
10.????????
I wanted desperately to provide 10 guidelines, not nine. Ten is such a good, even, round number. But because I’m tired, not feeling very creative, and have to get on an early flight tomorrow, I’ve decided that it is a show of strength, not weakness, to give up at number nine. Write to me if you see a tenth substantive rule for living life as a working mom. I’d love to hear from you. And I’ll answer even if you send it outside the 9-5, Monday-Friday scope!