Listening as an act of love

Editor's note: Laurie Tema-Lyn is founder of Practical Imagination Enterprises, a Ringoes, N.J., research firm.

As a longtime qualitative research consultant, I have felt the honor, privilege and responsibility of the work that I do. When I’m at my best, I listen with caring – deeply, fully, with non-judgmental regard. I listen to learn, to understand, to capture the voice, emotions, perspectives and ideas of the research participants who trust me to listen and faithfully share what I learn with clients. My higher-order goal is to help guide clients to create products, services and messaging that will have value in people’s lives.

So when I heard Dave Issay, founder of StoryCorps, speaking on Krista Tippett’s On Being radio show, talk about “listening as an act of love,” my ears perked up. 

After all, listening is such a crucial skill for qualitative researchers, whether you are moderating a consumer group, in the back room observing or even engaged in social media listening. Thus, powered by love, curiosity and a desire to learn more, I set out on a quest to hear from other respected professionals in a range of fields to see how they listen effectively. 

My 13 interviewees (whom I will refer to by first name only): investigative reporter; award-winning journalist; RN; elder-care specialist; tri-lingual social worker; attorney; detective; storyteller; American Sign Language English interpreter; first-grade teacher; sketch artist; music director/conductor; and an executive director of a zoo.

I wanted to gather their tips, tools and advice that would be relevant for the marketing research community. Based on some of my learning, here are 12 considerations to help you improve your listening abilities.

1. Listening is complex. To do it well encompasses a host of right attitudes and skills. These very words contain judgment within them; “well” and “right” are to some degree situational, which is why I’ll call them considerations. They are meant to offer suggestions to reflect upon and see how they fit within your given research practice.

2. Listening is not just what happens between the ears. It certainly involves seeing and, for many interviewees, is much more than that – it’s a body-holistic experience. To illustrate: several years ago, I attended a concert of the world-renowned Scottish percussionist Evelyn Glennie. I didn’t know her back-story and was just there to enjoy the music. She came onstage beautifully attired … and barefoot! Her performance had me dancing in my seat. Why barefoot? Glennie lost her hearing at age 12 and yet she hears through her body. Her deafness seems to enhance her musicianship. Aside from her global music tours, she lectures around the world on her art of listening.

When I talk about “whole-body listening” in the world of marketing research, it’s a reminder that we can pay attention to what we hear, what we observe and what we feel (skin, bone, muscle) on the inside. It’s not so strange when you think about it for a moment. Have you ever listened to a story that made the hairs stand up on your arms or made your eyes well up with tears?

3. Listening is an active process not a passive one. Every listener has something they want to get out of an engagement. These interviewees, for whom listening is critical, are conscious about their listening. They have goals for their listening, strategies to achieve their listening goals and tools or techniques to focus their listening.

4. There are certainly barriers and problems with listening! The average person can speak at about 150 words a minute but we think a thought in mere milliseconds. So, as the humorist Fran Lebowitz once wrote: “The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.” If you are in waiting mode, you may not really be listening at all but mentally rehearsing what you want to say as soon as the speaker gives you an opening. If your listening goal is to gather connections and ideas, here’s a tool to experiment with. Make the listening process very deliberate by jotting down key notes of what the speaker is saying in one column AND periodically tune into your thoughts by writing quick notes of your internal connections and ideas (even if they seem to be unrelated to the topic) in another column. That active, in-and-out process frees you up to listen better.

5. “Para-imaging” to paraphrase understanding, generate connections and ideas. Illustrator Harvey spontaneously coined this term in our listening conversation. Harvey is a non-stop image maker who has accompanied me on 150 consumer and client team sessions for which our ultimate listening goal was to create ideas for new products, services, packaging and positioning. When Harvey listens, his mind forms images which he sketches, without self-censoring, in colorful markers. The illustrations capture what he has heard. Showing the sketches to others helps generate even more ideas. Experiment with this approach even if you believe you lack artistic talent: Don’t just take word notes but sketch stick figures, symbols, icons. You are likely to find this to be a helpful addition to your repertoire of listening tools. 

6. Imagine yourself in another’s body; develop an empathetic approach to listening. The investigative reporter relayed a story about how she came to feel empathy when interviewing a woman who had been imprisoned for murder. She could feel how the woman’s circumstances and pressures led her to commit the crime. While this was a dramatic situation, the importance of empathy was underscored by the majority of my interviewees.

7. Recognize what’s going on inside yourself as you listen. What assumptions, biases or prejudices do you have before you begin the research? What are you carrying into the research environment? These powerful words of advice were offered by the social worker, nurse, clinician and storyteller. These professionals often deal with people in times of crisis and pain. Whether the research topic is likely to be a sensitive one, e.g., women who experience urinary incontinence, or a less intimate one, e.g., experiences in casual-dining restaurants, I find it’s worth taking time in advance of the research to download my own and my clients’ incoming expectations. Acknowledging and capturing these comments and emotions helps free up our ability to listen. Although, as the storyteller I spoke with emphatically stated, while there is no such thing as “objective” listening, becoming aware of and taking responsibility for our internal prejudices and beliefs certainly helps.

8. Lack of sufficient time is an enemy of good listening. Investigative reporters may have several days, weeks or even months to build a story. Geriatric specialists know that it may take numerous assessment conversations to understand what is really going on in an elder’s life and what services are necessary to address needs. We qualitative researchers may have 60 minutes or two hours to get our learning. Is that enough time? And when clients expect that a list of 50 questions will be answered by eight participants, can you really listen well? Are you inviting your respondents to tell you what is really going on for them or just getting top-of-mind superficiality? How much time do you really need to conduct a research event? It’s a question worth pondering and considering in your next qualitative research design.

9. Create the invitation to the speaker. Of course, listening is inexorably entwined with speaking. Is the speaker a willing participant in the process? Does the speaker feel comfortable talking? Does the speaker feel respected and their opinions valued? Ross, the private investigator, for one, is not always a welcome guest when he shows up at someone’s door. Neither is Mary Kay or Linda, who interview dementia patients to assess their needs. Yet Mary Kay describes her listening as a “spiritual” practice. She helps an elderly person open to her by making a personal arc, by finding the person’s soft spot, like gardening or grandkids, and shares a warm human connection. In marketing research, some clients consider it inappropriate for a researcher to talk about anything personal. They perceive a few minutes spent during introductions prior to a research event as time wasted. In my experience, those few minutes learning a tidbit about each person’s humanity and not just the topic we’re there to discuss are critical to the success of the research.

10. The whole truth and nothing but? As researchers, we strive to uncover the truth behind respondents’ statements. Do they really buy and use your brand? Do they prefer this ad copy over another? Why would they buy this new product if available in the market today? We engage various techniques to engage System 1 thinking before the rationalizing brain takes over. This is an issue for the detective and attorney as well. Their listening is focused on getting the facts and seeing how the stories fit into the structure of the law. They listen for specific and consistent details. They keep focusing their questions and guiding interviewees to re-experience events. Detective Ross pays close attention to body language and physiological signs especially where words and body language suggest a disconnect. According to Ross, “People want to tell you the truth – except psychopaths. I look for the sweat on the lips, the telltale signs.” As researchers, we need to pay attention to the truths that come from body language and facial expressions and not just the words that people express.

However, here’s something that quite surprised me from Shane, the American Sign Language interpreter: reading body language and facial expressions is a whole different thing! Facial expressions convey grammar – lowered eyebrows a “W” question; raised eyebrows a yes/no question. What happens when a sign-language interpreter suspects the deaf speaker is not being forthright? According to Shane: “I interpret the message that is given, even if it is a lie. It is entirely their right if they want to communicate a lie.” (But there is a different practice when interpreting for court matters.)

11. Respect the silences. As researchers, we are concerned when there is silence in response to a query. Backroom clients can get particularly anxious. I’ve learned to relax when that happens. The pauses, like rest notes in music, can be purposeful. Sometimes people just need a little time to think, to recall a memory or to figure out internally how they react to a given question or stimuli. And yes, sometimes the silence is in response to an unclear or poorly-worded question. Conductor Lyn’s words of wisdom to marketing researchers is to focus on the voice, not just the content. “What is the timbre [tonal quality] of the voice, the speed, the confidence and the content?” That type of listening will help a researcher better understand a respondent’s emotional context as well as their content responses.

12. “Be invisible. It’s about them, their knowledge, stay in the background.” These words of advice were offered by reporter Marcella. She has had great success with an interviewing style that is humble, transparent and yet persistent. Yet how many of us follow that advice? In an effort to put on a good show for the back room, I’ve seen researchers with big personalities do more talking than listening.

Talk less and listen more

As so many of my interviewees reminded me, if our job is to gather the voices of consumers, customers or prospects, then our mantra as research consultants might be to talk less and listen more. Or, to paraphrase the words of the 13th-century poet Rumi, “First, listen.”